A Silly Whim

"It's just a whim Scott."
"A whim?"
"When you do something just because you feel like it."

If you didn't grow up in the early 90s, over-watching Wee-Sing in Sillyville, you probably won't recognize the above dialogue between Scott and the talking tree. I'm guessing few people outside of my immediate family will even have a clue of what I'm talking about.

Those lines kept running through my mind last night as I fell asleep because I did something on a whim: I applied for a part-time writing job with Romper about parenting, pregnancy, etc.

It wasn't just a whim though, it was a silly whim. Why? Because I have no real writing experience to speak of and had no idea what I would put on my resume or include in my portfolio of work samples. I saw the job posting and thought, "That would be fun." I entertained the idea for a couple of hours and when my husband got home from work, I debated not even telling him about it unless I got the job because it was such a long shot. After he'd been home just a few minutes, I broke into a big smile and shared my excitement with him about a potential writing-from-home job!

As the kids' bedtime routine dragged on, my thoughts turned pessimistic. Why would they even consider me for this job? What qualifications did I even possess to make me think I should even apply?! And then I had a flashback to two kids ago.

Side note: The older I get, the more I understand why scientists break up time in eras the way they do. If I want to figure out when something happened in my life, it always come to mind as: before high school graduation, during college, before marriage, after marriage but before kids, ... you get the picture.

So, after two kids but before three kids ago, which puts us in late 2013-early 2015, I remember viewing the same job listing from Romper. I remember getting excited and opening up the application, starting to research how I could change my resume to make it focused on my writing. I have successfully updated my resume to be applicable to three completely jobs in the past so I started off hopeful... only to close the browsers, close my laptop and give up without trying.

I had completely forgotten this experience until the kids were in bed and I finished crying to my husband, feeling despondent. My reaction was completely over-the-top, which I will blame on hormones, life stress and the feeling that my brain function is deteriorating by only building train tracks, playing cars, cooking and cleaning all day every day (also an exaggeration). Having an awesome husband and being home with my kids fulfills me in the most important ways but there's still the desire to use the brain and skills I've been blessed with to do something beyond that.

Allen asked what job I would want if I could do anything. The more I thought, the more I realized that I really did choose my ideal job when I was in college. I love athletic training, despite the long hours and low pay typical to the position. I love having my athletes to get to know, I love watching them play, I enjoy helping them from injury evaluation all the way through rehab to when they get to play again. There are lots of things that could improve in the profession, but it's one that I love.

However, I love being a stay-at-home mom and don't want to give that up. I also don't want to miss out on evenings and weekends as a family because I'm out covering sporting events. Therefore, my current ideal job needs to be something new and explore different strengths/weaknesses I possess.

This writing job fit that description. It would allow me to be home and present with my children and still explore my creative side -- I have always loved writing! I've always been nervous about sharing my writing because I've been afraid of not pleasing everyone who may read it.

As I lay on our bed, I started thinking about Brene Brown's Daring Greatly, which I've been reading at 2-5 minute intervals most mornings. On page 29 she says

"There are many tenets of Wholeheartedness, but at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness: facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough."

Applying for this job requires me to be uncomfortable/vulnerable, potentially expose myself to the critique of others, risk being let down...

Did we need the money the job would generate? Thankfully no, so no pressure there.

Could I handle being rejected? I wasn't sure... I was feeling at a low with regards to my sense of worth to the world outside our little family.

What did I have to lose? Pride... I could stand to lose that.

Could I pull it off? ... It is worth it to try because I want to live a Wholehearted life.

I decided to look at it as a challenge and have fun with it. In less than 24 hours I filled out the job application, wrote a very different resume than I'm assuming they've seen for a writing position, a cover letter, three pitches, created a blog (this blog) and wrote an article on it to have something to show them a sample of my writing.

This experience has been awesome! I still have no idea if I will ever hear from Romper but here are some rather astounding discoveries I made by simply trying:

• I love writing, just for the sake of writing, but also for the sake of making mental connections, reframing my thoughts and solidifying my ideas.
• A job rejection is not a rejection of me as a person.
• Caleb asked me about it and was excited for me, really hoping that I'll get a chance to write.
• I don't have to get paid to write.
• Having a company hire me to write does not make my writing any more valid or worthwhile. 
• In fact, it might be nice if I don't get the job because I currently feel empowered to write whatever I want, whenever I want without any restrictions.
• It doesn't matter if no one else reads what I write.
• It doesn't matter if no one else likes what I write.
• Allen was proud of me for trying something new that I was nervous about.
• I feel free-er. 
• Having the courage to submit this job application has shown me that I have enough courage to try writing some of the children's book ideas I have stored in my phone.

In short, my writing doesn't have to be perfect and I don't have to be perfect before I put myself out there to be seen because, as Theodore Roosevelt said,

I'll end this post where I began it, with Wee-Sing in Sillyville. The character Silly Whim's catch phrase can sum up this experience for me, "Anything can happen!" (which she says in a singsong voice with her hands waving near her face).